All I'll Ever Feel
by mangocat2
Summary: DISCONTINUED!   Ash is, to put it bluntly, depressed. His life takes a turn for the worst when he starts being haunted by his dark side, the popular girl likes him, his enemy wants to be friends, he starts cutting, and gets suspended from school.
1. Enter Dark

Ash pulled up his hood, crossed his arms, and started to walk briskly home from school. The bitter cold penetrated what little warmth Ash's sleeveless hoodie could give him.

"Damn, I should've brought a jacket," he thought. "Hopefully walking faster will keep me warm, I have to get home quickly anyway with this much homework."

Ash wasn't the best student ever, the twelve-year-old often got in trouble for not doing work and having a bad attitude.

"A detention on a day like this?" Ash stared at the ground and focused on kicking the leaves blowing in the frigid wind. He was distracted by a bus roaring by and tripped over the uneven sidewalk.

"Crap!" Ash yelled at the stinging pain in his leg. "Mom will freak if I bleed all over my jeans," he said of the large bleeding gash on his right knee. Ash took of his backpack and fumbled through it until he found a roll of tape.

"No more tissue paper," he said is dismay at an empty pack of Kleenex. "This notebook paper should work though." Ash folded the paper up and taped it over the wound. "Perfect!" He started to roll down his jeans again when Ash heard footsteps behind him. He turned and saw a girl about his age standing over him while smiling.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

"Um, Hikari, what are you doing here?" Ash asked, still somewhat confused.

"I had volleyball practice today." Ash noticed that Hikari was holding an athletic bag. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to not bleed to death, isn't it obvious?"

"Don't be such a smart-aleck, you're not going to die over scraping your knee. Let me guess, detention again?"

Ash gave Hikari a mean look. "I don't know what the teachers are thinking. They should know my mom can't pick me up, it freakin' cold out here!"

"Well you wrote cuss word all over Paul's locker. It says in the school's policy that students are not to deface other student's or the school's property."

"I don't care, that bastard deserves it! He doesn't care about anyone, he just shuts everything out! Have you ever seen him smile?"

"If that's the case, you two should get along," Hikari said angrily. And with that she crossed the street and stormed off.

"She really thinks I'm like Paul? Wonder what the volleyball coaches gave her."

"I'm home mom!" Ash yelled as he stepped into his apartment. The sudden warmth made his cheeks feel like they were on fire. Ash didn't stop to see how his mom's day was, he walked up the stairs to his room. He turned on the light and flopped dejectedly onto his bed. Ash stared at the posters on his walls. Smiling Pokemon, emo bands, and hundreds of his drawings stared back.

"Look at this, I don't even know who I want to be." He remembered Hikari's words. "I definitely don't want to be like Paul. What I really wish is to go back a few years when everything was so much easier."

"How was your day?" Ash heard his mom yell from the kitchen.

"Fine." Ash said, yelling took too much energy.

"Why are you so late?"

"Leave me alone, jeez!" he yelled back angrily. Ash buried his head under his pillow and closed his eyes. Ash heard the door to his room open slowly.

"Are you sure you're alright, honey?" Ash's mom said quietly. Ash didn't answer. His mom sat on his bed and put her arm on his back. Ash didn't want to admit that it was comforting, but it wasn't what he needed.

"I know it's hard, just try your best to get through. This phase will be over in a few years."

"You don't know a thing, no adult does. A few years is like forever, I'll die before that happens."

"We're not as stupid as you think, and don't say such things. I don't like you talking about dying." When Ash didn't answer again she left the room.

"Don't forget your homework!" she yelled.

"Screw homework, it doesn't mean anything. After you turn it in then what? At least I tried to finish my math homework during study hall. That's only because if you don't work on something you get in trouble. Why can't I have any control over my life? At least I can draw, when you draw you're in control." Ash reached into his backpack and pulled out a notebook. He took a pencil off his nightstand.

"Oh, before I forget!" Ash thought. He rolled up his pants leg and pulled off the mock bandage. Ash winced at the pain but was relieved to see that the wound was no longer bleeding. He lazily threw the paper in his backpack and focused his attention on drawing again. Lines, circles, and a worn down eraser later, Ash had a happy version of himself holding balloons. Ash stared at the picture and tears welled up in his eyes. He wiped them away and taped the drawing to his wall.

"Diner's ready!" Ash's mom called to him. Ash ran downstairs to the small table in the kitchen. His mom was an amazing cook."So what is it tonight?" asked Ash.

"It's pasta, I didn't feel like making anything fancy so I thought something simple would work."

"That's OK, it's really good!" Ash said enthusiastically.

"I'm glad, but don't talk with your mouth full." Ash heard the house phone start ringing. His mom left the room to go get it. When she came back she looked furious.

"What was it?" Ash asked casually.

"That was your school. They say you graffiti-ed another student's locker with bad words. Why would you do that?" Ash's heart started to beat madly.

"He deserved it, mom! Besides, permanent markers aren't really permanent, and I already got a detention, that's why I was late!" Ash tried to argue.

"I don't care, you're grounded for the rest of the year, and no dinner!" his mom yelled lividly. "Go upstairs and do your homework!"

Ash didn't want his mom's words to bother him but he couldn't help wanting to cry. He ran up the stairs and slammed his door.

"I don't think I can take this anymore. Why does no one truly care about me?" Ash thought dejectedly.

"That's not true," someone said back. Ash whirled around to see where the voice came from. He was sitting on his bed, really.

"W-who are you, why do you look and sound like me, and how did you get here?" Ash stuttered in shock.

"I'm you, simple. Call me Dark Ash."

"Dark? Is that why your voice sounds so haunting? Why are you here? You never answered me." Ash wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not.

"You called me here basically, feeling the way you do. Here, come sit down." Dark Ash motioned to the spot next to him. Ash sat down uncomfortably.

"Closer," said Dark Ash.

"Why should I?"

"You're warm."

"Um, that's creepy," Ash said, "but OK." Ash scooted over until he was right next to Dark Ash. He finally got a good look at his face.

"What's wrong with your eyes? They're so lifeless. And why are are you freezing cold?" Ash definitely was not relieved.

"It's not important, but you are." Dark Ash rested his head on Ash's shoulder.

"It's your bedtime Ash!" his mother called to him.

"I have to get ready now, got it?"

"I know, I'll wait for you." Ash walked into the hall to the bathroom. He started to brush his teeth.

"Are these drawings yours?" Dark Ash called to Ash.

"Shhh, my mom will hear you!" snapped Ash.

"Who're you talking too?" asked Ash's mom.

"No one!" Ash replied. He walked back into his bedroom and yawned. He noticed that Dark Ash had already taken off his jeans and hoodie.

"Wait, I sleep in a T-shirt and boxers too. How did you know?" Ash asked suspiciously.

"Many people do, and remember, I'm you so I do too."

"Interesting." Ash took his hoodie and jeans off too. "So, are we going to sleep together or what?" he asked.

"Duh, it'll be more comfortable that way." Ash got into bed and Dark Ash crawled in next to him. Ash turned off the light. Ash couldn't hold it back any longer, he started laughing uncontrollably.

"This is just too weird. I must be losing my mind. I mean really, another me!"

"But it's true."

"Then how come it hasn't happened to anyone else?"

"It's because your feelings are so sensitive."

"That I can actually conjure up another person like me?"

"Pretty much." Ash didn't answer, he didn't know what to make of the situation. He did know that although he felt he shouldn't, he didn't hate Dark Ash. On the contrary, Ash liked not being alone. But it was confusing too, not knowing what was going on.

"I thought life was hard before, this is insane!" thought Ash. "I wish this could all just go back to normal." Ash cried for real this time.


	2. Fresh Rain

Ash awoke to the sound of Mourning Doves outside his window. He rubbed his eyes and tried to see in the dim light. Dark Ash was gone.

"Did he just disappear? Was he ever even here? Nothing like that could really happen but it was way too vivid to be a dream. Well there's no point worrying about it, it can't be real," Ash concluded. He changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and picked up his backpack. Then Ash went downstairs for breakfast.

"Ash, you're going to miss the bus, there isn't time for breakfast!" his mom yelled.

"And good morning to you too," Ash thought sarcastically. "I didn't get dinner and now I can't have breakfast? Lunch better be good today."

"Here, have your vitamins at least." Ash's mom handed him two gummi bear shaped vitamins.

"Thanks, these are so tasty!" Ash said, "and kind of embarrassing too." He grabbed his jacket from the back of a chair and ran out the door into the cold November weather. Ash ran down the block to his bus stop. Ash heard a noise to his right. He turned and saw Dark Ash knocking on the window of the house adjacent to him. Ash yelled in shock but Dark Ash was gone again. Ash saw the bus ahead and sprinted faster.

"You're late Ash," the bus driver said sternly.

"I know," Ash sighed, he was worn out and breathless. Ash scanned the aisle but couldn't find an empty bench. "Ugh, I don't want to share a seat with anyone," he thought. Ash started to make his way down the aisle but someone waved for him to sit down. Ash did and was shocked to see that it was Hikari.

"I thought you were still pissed at me," Ash told her.

"You weren't acting very nice, but then again, I wouldn't be happy if I had to walk home in the bitter cold because of a detention." Hikari smiled at Ash.

"What's with girls and their mood swings? Can't they make up their minds? At least Dark Ash isn't confusing like that. Wait, why am I thinking about him like this? He shouldn't even exist!" thought Ash.

"Why are you making that face? Can't you see that I'm trying to be nice!" Hikari said incredulously. After the last bit she covered her mouth and looked scared.

"What's your problem Hikari? Why do you get me to sit here then act "nice"? And what's with the scared look? It won't hurt you to fuck everything up!" Ash said furiously. He leaned over and asked the girl diagonally behind him if they could switch seats. She agreed nervously. Ash could hear Hikari crying while all her friends gave him mean looks. Ash covered his face with his hood so no one would see him cry as well.

Ash stepped off the bus into the freshly falling rain. He took off his hood.

"Ahhh, the rain is so refreshing. Plus, if I get wet nobody will be able to see that I was crying. He walked to his first period class, science.

"I'm sorry class, but since Paul is absent someone will have to dissect their mudpuppy without a partner," Ash's teacher announced. Everyone started whispering, no one wanted to be without their friends. Ash raised his hand.

"I'll work alone," he said.

"Thank you Ash."

"No one would want to work with me anyway," he thought. Ash took a seat at a table and put on his latex gloves and goggles.

"Although the mudpuppy has legs and lungs it is a fish. It breathes through the gills on it's head instead of it's lungs," informed Ash's teacher. "Now turn your mudpuppy over so that it's ventral side is up." Many girls had already excused themselves because "the mudpuppy is gross".

"What the hell is the ventral side?" Ash thought, annoyed that he hadn't paid attention in class. But the mudpuppy flipped on to it's back.

"Whoa!" Ash yelled. Everyone turned to look at him. "Er...nothing, sorry," Ash said sheepishly.

"Shut the hell up, I'm trying to do you a favor!"

"Dark Ash, is that you? Why did you come with me to school?"

"Because I love you," Dark Ash replied simply. Ash was confused.

"Does that make me a narcissist? But it's cool that you're invisible!"

"Stop being so dense, it's true." Ash felt an ice cold kiss on the cheek.

"Just leave me alone, I have a scalpel and a dead fish!" Ash said angrily.

"That means I do too," Dark Ash replied coolly. The mudpuppy flew up and hit Ash in the face making him fall over backwards. Ash stood up and yelled, "get the fuck out of here!" Everyone turned to look at Ash again and he saw Hikari whisper something to her lab partner.

"Mr. Ketchum! That language is unacceptable! If you can't dissect your mudpuppy calmly you'll have to leave!" Ash's teacher yelled lividly. He could tell she was fed up with him. Ash glumly picked up his belongings and walked out the door.

"You have another detention!" his teacher yelled after him.

"Shut up, I know!" Ash's teacher gave Ash an evil look but said nothing else. Ash walked outside and sat on a bench. It was still raining. Ash slumped down and leaned his head on the back of the bench.

"Can't Dark Ash just go back to wherever he came from and leave me alone? But he said that he loved me. That's just too weird. How could I love myself? Even if Dark Ash were a girl I don't know why he'd love me, I'm too much of a dick. Ash started to cry again. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when Hikari opened the door.

"It's time for lunch. Oh, and the counselor wants to see you," she said bitterly. Hikari looked up."Have you been crying?"

"No I haven't, it's the rain!" Ash yelled defensively.

"But you're sitting under an overhang and there are tear streaks on your cheeks. You definitely were crying. Wait 'till everyone hears this! They're all afraid of you, we'll see about that now." She started to walk away.

"Wait! If you were really lost and felt completely retarded wouldn't you be sad too?"

"Don't pretend to be a psychologist, you're the one who has to see the counselor. Besides, my life is perfect," Hikari said matter-of-factly. She stopped and stared into Ash's eyes for awhile before beckoning him inside.


	3. Yoga, Counseling, and Writing

Hikari opened the door and closed it in Ash's face. Ash was expecting her to hold it open for him. Ash opened the door himself and shivered from the blast of air conditioning.

"You know, you weren't really supposed to go outside. Just outside the classroom," Hikari told him.

"But I like the rain, it feels good," Ash replied.

"Isn't it dismal and wet though?"

"I don't care, it's relaxing."

"Well I like to relax by doing yoga."

"You're taking relaxing was too seriously. Besides, how is bending your body like a pretzel relaxing? Sounds painful to me."

"Want to come to my house after school today? I can show you some yoga poses."

"Um, OK?"

"Great! Here's the address," Hikari handed him a piece of paper. "See you there!" She walked off.

"There she goes with those mood swings again," thought Ash. "Yoga huh? I don't know if that's my thing. I wonder if doing yoga in the rain would feel nice. But why did she randomly ask me over? I hardly know her, except that she's kind of a bitch. Is this like a date?" Ash wondered, slightly appalled at the fact that he was about to go to Hikari's house to do yoga. He walked into the cafeteria, got his food, and sat down.

"Hey Ash!" the girl sitting across from him tried to get his attention.

"What is it, Zoey?" Ash replied.

"Don't be so annoyed. You need to stop hanging out with Hikari."

"Why should I? And besides, she's the one who keeps coming up to me!" Ash said angrily.

"You're not good for her. You're making her depressed and trying to make her bad like you," Zoey told Ash sternly.

"If that's what you think about me then just leave me alone. I don't have time for bitches like you," Ash said calmly. Zoey looked slightly shocked and returned to eating. Ash resumed eating his hot dog too.

"By the way, Hikari turned in your math homework for you since you weren't there," Zoey told Ash. He stopped cold.

"What paper did she give her?" he asked nervously.

"She said it was the first one she found that said math on it."

"Shit!" Ash stood up cleared his tray and ran out of the room. He ran up to his locker to check his bag. The paper was gone.

"Ash Ketchum, please come to the counselor's office," the secretary's voice came over the intercom.

"Oh yeah, tell everyone," thought Ash. He walked to the office and opened the counselor's door. He was met by her holding up his math homework. Ash's heart started to pound.

"Take a seat," she said rudely. She shoved the paper at him.

"Mr. Ketchum, please explain why your homework is covered in blood." Ash unfolded the paper and saw what he was expecting. The paper he had used as a bandage was his math homework.

"It's not what you think, that's for sure," Ash managed to stutter.

"Oh? So you're not, what? Cutting yourself? When you should be doing homework."

"I do not cut myself! Besides, the homework was already done." Ash fidgeted around in his chair.

"If you're having these kinds of problems you should tell someone you trust," the school counselor informed Ash.

"I'm not cutting! I tripped and used my homework as a bandage," Ash tried to defend himself.

"It's perfectly normal to deny these actions. Your mom called me yesterday and said that you've been depressed and having problems in school. She also said that last night she thought she heard you talking to yourself. For these reasons she wants you to come see me every week."

"Every week? My mom actually thinks this will help? Counseling only makes everything worse!" Ash thought. "Besides, now the counselor knows my business." All Ash could do was nod stupidly.

"Great, I'll be seeing you. You can go back to class now," Ash quickly left. His next class was English. When he entered the room, Ash was greeted by his classmates taunting him about seeing the counselor. Hikari was not among them. Ash ignored everybody and took his seat.

"A journal entry on how I'm feeling? What am I supposed to say? Should I be honest or just put what they want to hear? If the counselor is in cahoots with the teachers I may as well be honest," Ash decided on what to do for his classwork.

"Let's just say that eternal damnation can't be that bad. That's what I feel now, damned.

I mostly just feel lost and alone. No one understands, no one, even if they would understand, cares. I feel like I'm falling through a black void and can't breathe but am not dead. Everyone laughs and is afraid of me but I'm just numb to it. There's also this girl who pretends to be nice to me, but...I don't know what her deal is. Everyday just repeats over and over and none of it seems to matter, I just want it to be over. I guess that my only joy is drawing, and now I guess that I like writing too. I also like food, but everyone just thinks that's funny. Maybe I'll become a food critic so I can eat and yell at people. So that's how I feel now and perpetually."

"Hey, that's pretty good! If not a little emo," thought Ash. He handed it to his teacher for her to read it over. Ash was waiting for praise but he didn't get it.

"That's nice," is all his teacher said. Ash snatched the paper back, scowled, and left for detention.

"Maybe the counselor is onto something. Wonder what cutting is like?"


	4. All in Vein

"I'm here," Ash announced when he arrived at detention.

"I see, take a seat," the detention monitor replied.

"I feel sorry for him, this has got to be such a lame job," Ash thought. "You have to just spend your time here doing nothing and can't leave. Wait, I'm stuck doing that too." Ash got out a piece of paper and was about to start drawing when the monitor looked up.

"No drawing," he said.

"Can I take a nap at least?" Ash asked.

"Go ahead, then I won't have to worry about you anyway." Ash rested his head on the desk and closed his eyes but he couldn't get to sleep. The bright fluorescent lights, the ticking clock, and the monitor rustling papers all kept Ash awake. He tried to ignore them but Ash's thoughts also kept him awake, mainly those of Dark Ash.

"I hope I didn't offend him. I'll kind of miss having him around, even if he's creepy and annoying." That's all Ash could remember before slipping into a dream.

Ash was standing in a long line through a hallway. The carpet was plush and maroon in color. The walls were gold and covered in elaborate portraits. The only thing wrong was that everyone was dressed in black and looked sad. Ash turned to his left and saw Dark Ash standing next to him. Dark Ash smiled at him menacingly. The people in the crowd were taking pictures, Ash wasn't sure why. Finally the line started to move. Ash took a step forward and started to feel dizzy. The walls swirled around him, the portraits blended together, and the floor gave way into nothingness. Ash felt himself falling. Dark Ash held out his hand from somewhere above Ash. He tried to grab on but ended up pulling Dark Ash down with him. Out of nowhere, Dark Ash let go of his hand and faded away. Ash screamed as he fell deeper and deeper. Then he woke up. Ash squinted at the blinding light from the fluorescent lights above him. He was aware that he was lying on the floor. Ash scrambled to get up and saw that the monitor was out of the room.

"No wonder no one heard me fall," thought Ash. He picked up his backpack and walked downstairs to the door. Hikari was there.

"Hi Ash!" she said cheerfully. Ash was caught off guard by Hikari's presence but was happy to see someone be nice to him.

"Hi Hikari," Ash said. "You waited for me that entire time?"

"Oh well, gentlemen are always supposed to be nice to ladies so I thought I'd reverse the favor. Besides, I was texting Zoey, it really makes time fly."

"Speaking of that, can I borrow your phone?" Ash asked Hikari, remembering that he should tell his mom about going to Hikari's house.

"Sure!" she handed it to him. Ash dialed his mom's number. After a brief conversation, he hung up and gave Hikari her phone back.

"It's OK with her. She's probably just happy that I have someone's house to go to," Ash told Hikari.

"Good! But why's that?" The pair walked out the door and Hikari led Ash to her house.

"Well, um..." Ash trailed off due to embarrassment.

"What? You can tell me."

"But you said that you would tell everyone that I was crying! How come I can tell you this then?" Ash asked Hikari angrily. She held back the urge to tell him that she was right about the crying.

"I didn't end up telling anyone so don't worry," Hikari tried to reply calmly.

"OK then. I haven't really had a good friend in a long time," Ash admitted.

"Aww, but why? You're really nice!"

"Oh come on, not really, I'm such an asshole."

"Maybe if you cussed less? Now that I've talked to you more, you're nicer than most people probably think."

"I don't think that's it. It's just that nobody even tries to get to know me better."

"You do distance yourself from people a lot. If you were more open people might talk to you more."

"You really believe that? Nah, nobody wants to. They all have their own friends, I kinda have mine, and that's that."

"I thought you said you didn't have any friends," Hikari asked suspiciously. Ash blushed nervously.

"Yeah, I don't! Who needs friends, yeah!" Hikari gave him a funny look.

"Oh, here's my street! I almost passed it," Hikari announced. Ash looked around Hikari's neighborhood. The large houses, fancy cars, and well kept yards were very different from his basic apartment. Ash stared around in awe.

"This is so nice! Everything looks like it came from a catalog or something!"

"Hmmm," was all Hikari said. She led Ash up to the door of a house. It was brick with large arched windows and a balcony. Hikari inserted her key and opened the front door. Ash was met with a wave of strong floral perfume. He waved his hand in front of his nose and coughed.

"I'm sorry! My mom just got that and has been spraying it all over the place. You'll get used to it." Ash plugged his nose.

"Your mom likes perfume?"

"Oh god yes! She just loves shopping basically." Just then a woman walked into the room. She was wearing designer clothes, heels, and a ridiculous updo. She reeked of perfume.

"Hi mom," Hikari said.

"Hi honey! Oh, who's this? Do you have a new boyfriend?"

"C'mon mom, no way! This is Ash, he's just one of my friends." Hikari nudged Ash with her elbow an pointed down. Ash looked at her bare feet and took off his shoes.

"Oh, he's that boy who causes all sorts of trouble right?"

"I do not!" Ash yelled defensively. Hikari's mom gave him a look only a mother could give.

"Chill out mom, Ash is really nice!" Hikari's mom gingerly stuck out her hand and lightly shook Ash's hand. Ash gave her a mean look. Hikari grabbed Ash's hand and dragged him up the stairs. Once she got to her room she pulled him inside and shut the door.

"You can't act like that around my mother, she'll freak out!" Hikari scolded Ash.

"Well sorry," Ash said sarcastically. "Some way to greet a guest."

"I'm sorry, my mom is really judgmental. She's also one of those people that knows everything about everyone."

"Reminds me of someone," Ash said.

"You don't mean me!" Hikari said incredulously. Ash said nothing. There was an awkward silence.

"So are we gonna do yoga or what?" Ash asked.

"No silly, what a stupid thing to do!"

"Then why did you invite me over to do yoga?"

"Because I wanted to see you. I can't just say that can I?"

"If you think no one likes me then why do you want to see me? And why can't you? I'm not going to go and blab to everyone! And since I don't hardly talk to anyone you have nothing to worry about!" Ash was angry now.

"Well, I like you." Hikari turned away. Ash stared at her in shock.

"You, like me? The fuck is this?" For once Hikari ignore his language.

"I don't know why other people don't! You're cute, sweet, and kind of fun to hang out with."

"You're definitely lying now. You know what? I'm leaving, got it?" Ash got up and walked downstairs. He slipped on his shoes and walked out the door. He heard Hikari crying after him. He ignored her and ran to the end of her street. Then he slowed to a walk.

"Why does she keep lying to me? Cute? Sweet? Fun to hang out with? None of that describes me at all. I guess it did at one time though. Except for the cute part, that's all an opinion. I just wish she would leave me alone. I guess she can "like" me, but not to my face.

Ash arrived at his apartment, he let himself in through the unlocked door.

"Hi Ash, how did it go at Hikari's?" Ash's mom asked. He ignored her and walked up to his room. Ash took off his backpack and shoes and sat at his desk.

"It's kind of weird to just decide to injure yourself I guess. But if so many people do it then it could help, maybe," he thought. Ash searched for a sharp object, all he could find was a letter opener.

"This will work," he thought. Ash held out his arm. He pushed the letter opener closer to his skin but stopped.

"How do you just go and injure yourself? It's gotta hurt." thought Ash. He closed his eyes and lightly dragged the letter opener across the inside of his arm. Ash almost yelled from the sudden pain but forced himself to open his eyes. A thin red line ran across the width of his arm, blood was starting to trickle out. Ash was disgusted but he couldn't stop looking. The blood running slowly down his arm and onto the desk made him feel like all his problems were trickling away. Ash felt good but after awhile he remembered what he was doing. He remembered the pain along with it.

"Why did I do this?" he thought.


	5. Pizza

Ash stared at the open wound on his arm in contemplation. He wasn't exactly sure what to do.

"Ash! Time for dinner!" his mom called up to him.

"Oh, no! What about the cut?" Ash thought. He scrambled up to find a way to cover the wound inconspicuously. "You know what, never mind. If I've gone this far then I think I need help. I'll let her see it," Ash decided. He walked downstairs nervously. Ash saw his mom and walked over to her.

"Mom, I have to show you something," Ash said quietly.

"What?" his mom asked kindly.

"If only you knew," Ash thought. He held his arm out. At first his mom didn't know what to look at, but she noticed the cut after what felt like an eternity to Ash. She didn't say anything. Then she broke down.

"Oh, Ash," she said through tears as she pulled him into a hug. Ash cried too.

"I had no idea it was this bad. You should have told me," Ash's mom said sternly. Ash didn't answer, he couldn't.

"I'll call school and tell them that you won't be coming in tomorrow. I'll take you to a psychologist and I think you need to take a break." Ash was grateful for a day off but he wasn't sure about the psychologist.

"Are you sure a psychologist can help me? Sounds like a load of crap to me."

"There's never a guarantee, but I'm sure it will help you to have someone professional to talk to."

"OK," Ash said.

"Don't worry, you're a good kid, Ash." There was an awkward silence.

"Well it's still time for dinner, I was going to ask you if you wanted a pizza," Ash's mom broke the quiet.

"Of course! When do I not?" Ash said cheerily.

"Then it's settled, do something about your cut too. It's still bleeding. And promise me that you'll never cut yourself again."

"I promise," Ash said. He turned and walked upstairs to wash his wound.

"I'm so glad I got that over with. I guess she isn't as hard to talk to as I thought," Ash thought as he cleaned the blood off his arm. He felt a familiar cold hand on his shoulder.

"You handled that well," Dark Ash said.

"Since when did you care?"

"Why are you always so dense?"

"I'm not being dense, it's obvious that you don't give a shit about me," Ash yelled. Ash looked into the mirror and saw Dark Ash making a disgusted face. It went away quickly. Dark Ash ran his hands up Ash's chest.

"You know I love you," he said seductively. Ash spun around and pushed Dark Ash away from him. Dark Ash held his ground and shoved Ash against the wall. Ash grunted in pain.

"Get off of me!" he yelled. Ash wriggled out of Dark Ash's arms, ran out of the room, and slammed the door.. Ash ran into his room and slammed his door.

"I thought things were getting better but I forgot about...it," Ash thought miserably. "Just go away!" Ash yelled and covered his head with a pillow. He cried until he couldn't anymore. "Now what? I just can't take this anymore. I don't want to deal wish everything, I just want to watch cartoons all day. Now that would be fun! I don't even have anyone to talk to. Maybe just one, we'll see." Ash picked the phone up off his desk and dialed.

"Hello? Ritchie? It's Ash," he said.

"Ash? Why are you calling? I thought we weren't going to talk anymore," Ritchie replied suspiciously.

"I don't have anyone else to talk to and I really need to vent."

"Well OK, but not too long. I don't want to hear you yammer about how crappy everything is forever."

"Thanks. First of all, there's this girl at school, her name is Hikari. She keeps on telling me that she likes me but she acts like such a bitch. There's also this guy, Paul, who I absolutely hate. It's not like he actually is mean but the way he acts like he never cares makes me want to kill him. And basically I just feel so confused and alone. It seems like nobody is feeling like I am, and like no one even cares. I could commit suicide and no one would miss me. I guess my mom would, but that's it. I wonder if my dad would even find out. He doesn't even care if I live since he fucking left before I was born. I'm sorry I'm bothering you with my complaining."

"That definitely doesn't sound fun but I'm not in your position so I don't know how it feels. Anyway, thanks for bothering me."

"You wanna know how it feels?" Ash yelled. He hung up and threw the phone to the ground. Ash just stared at the floor before sitting back down on his bed.

"I'm sorry I got so mad at Ritchie. But it just feels like no one will ever understand," Ash thought. He was interrupted by the front door slamming.

"I have the pizza!" Ash's mom called to him. As bitter as Ash felt, he was hungry.

"Thanks for the pizza, you know I like it," Ash said enthusiastically.

"I figured you needed something to cheer you up." Ash's mom laughed. "You always did love food!" She stopped laughing and stared at Ash for awhile.

"What are you looking at?"

"I just want you to be happy again," Ash's mom said sadly.

"Why ruin a happy moment mom?"

"Don't just blow me off. You know it as well as I do."

"I'm happy, see?" Ash pointed to an obviously fake smile. He chuckled nervously and stared at his plate.

"Trust me Ash, you're not happy."

"You got that right," Ash thought. Tears welled up in his eyes. "Idiot! Don't cry, you do too much of that already." Ash's mom noticed.

"It's OK, it'll get better."

"Maybe, but it sure doesn't feel it."

"It will, I promise. Oh, and before I forget. I'll call your school and my work so that we can take the day off.

"Well?" Ash asked when his mom got off the phone.

"You can have the day off tomorrow but I need to go to work. I'm sorry I can't take you to the psychologist, but you'll get the day off."

"And you won't be there?"

"That's what I said."

"Fun!" Ash yelled. Then he remembered Dark Ash.

"Oh joy," he thought sarcastically.


	6. Babysitting

"Why don't you go work on homework?" Ash's mom told him.

"OK!" Ash replied, he walked up the stairs to his room.

"Ugh, homework, may as well though. I've caused enough harm today." Ash sighed. He checked to see if he had anything to do, he didn't.

"Whew, I really didn't feel like it." Ash laid on his bed and looked at the ceiling when his phone rang. He picked it up.

"Hello?" he asked.

"It's Paul."

"Why the fuck are you calling me?" Ash yelled angrily.

"I need the homework since I was absent."

"None," Ash replied, still furious. He was about to set the phone back down.

"Wait, before you hang up," Paul interrupted.

"What?"

"Can I come over tomorrow morning?"

"Sure," Ash replied. He hung up.

"Why does Paul want to talk to me? Why at my apartment? I hate him, I guess he hates me. I'm not exactly sure. I'll go see him but if he starts driving me crazy I can always leave," Ash thought.

"Mom!" Ash yelled downstairs. "Paul's going to come over tomorrow."

"OK sweetie! But I won't be there so make sure you guys take care of yourselves."

"Thanks!"

"While you're up there you should take a shower!"

"Fine," Ash replied sourly. He walked to the bathroom. Ash took off his clothes and started to adjust the water temperature hen he heard someone breathing behind him. Ash froze.

"Hey handsome," Dark Ash said.

"Get out of here you sick fuck!" Ash yelled. He was relieved his mom couldn't hear him over the running water. It took Ash a moment to realize that Dark Ash was naked too. He blinked in shock.

"That's more than I ever needed to see. Do I really look like that?"

"Apparently." Dark Ash walked past Ash into the shower.

"Oh, now what? I'm trying to take a shower here."

"Hop in!" Dark Ash told Ash.

"No! Just leave!" Ash pulled Dark Ash out of the shower and pushed him out the door. Ash got back in.

"Ew, that's disgusting. So, does that mean I'm turned on by myself? Creepy! Wait a second, if he said that I made him up by feeling like I do, then can I get rid of him by feeling differently? If he's Dark Ash, than he means that I'm feeling...Dark. Depressed I guess, so if I become happy again...he'll disappear? It seems like lately everything has come to that. Imagine how much better my life would be. Easier said than done though," Ash thought. He finished his shower and got into pajamas. When Ash got back to his room he was met by Dark Ash again.

"I thought I told you to get out of here!" Ash yelled exasperatedly. Dark Ash ignored him.

"You do look good in the shower. I knew it," Dark Ash said matter-of-factly. Ash gave him a disgusted face.

"Ew. Anyway, I was thinking, you said that I made you using my feelings. Does that mean that if I change them you'll go away forever?"

"Basically, but not forever, only until you feel depressed again. Why do you want me to go so soon?"

"Because you're a pervert and I hate you."

"Well put." Dark Ash laughed.

"If you can disappear when I go to school can I make you go away when I feel like it?"

"Potentially, yes. But I'm not going anywhere."

Ash facepalmed, "fuck." Dark Ash laughed again.

"Not until morning, we're still sleeping together." The pair crawled into Ash's bed. He turned off the lights.

"I take back what I said earlier," Ash said. "I guess I kind of do like you."

"So we can get it on now?"

"No!" Ash yelled.

"You know, it's really just like masturbating."

"Shut up! Are you crazy? I'm 12, so are you, that's just so wrong."

"I really like you."

"I know that! You and Hikari are the only ones and I have no idea why."

"You can't blame us, those hips and ass of yours."

"I'm not a girl! Can you go one minute without being a perv?"

"OK, tomorrow, no pervy Dark Ash, I promise!"

"Thank you, good night." Ash scooted next to Dark Ash who put his arm around Ash.

"He doesn't have a heartbeat," thought Ash. In fact, Dark Ash seemed to be in a coma rather than asleep. Ash pushed his bangs out of his eyes and noticed that Dark Ash was gone. "So he just abandons me at night, huh? I liked sleeping with him.

When Ash woke up it was much brighter than usual. At first he didn't know why but then he remembered that he had a day off. Ash rubbed his eyes and stretched. He noticed a note on his nightstand. It was from his mom.

Hi Ash! I hope you have a nice day today, have fun with Paul. I'm glad you finally have someone to hang out with, it's been a long time. Don't forget to eat something for lunch. I'll see you when I get home from work.

"Aww that's nice," Ash thought. "She used to do that when I was little. Man, my only real friend is my mom. I need a life. Wait, Paul said he'd be coming over this afternoon. We have school today and if he's sick then why are his parents letting him come over, why would he want to? I guess I'll find out his deal later." Ash opened his window and stuck his hand outside, it was warmer than usual.

"Seems like nice weather to go outside," Ash thought. He dressed and left the house, taking his mom's old phone with him. Ash walked down his street for awhile and turned down a side street to a park.

"I remember I used to come here a lot, it's been cold lately anyway. May as well have a day of nostalgia." Ash sat on one of the swings. He started to cry.

"I need to get over myself. My life isn't that bad, I'm being so selfish. I have a home, and family, I have food, I'm literate, I have a girl who likes me, I think. That's not too bad, so why am I complaining?" Ash was interrupted by a tap on his leg. A little girl, around five or six, was standing in front of him.

"Why are you crying?" she asked. Ash wiped his face.

"Um..." he trailed off nervously. The girl laughed.

"You're not supposed to cry, you're too old to." It was Ash's turn to laugh.

"You're never too old to cry. In fact, sometimes the older you get, the more crying you do." The girl stared at Ash in awe before speaking.

"You must get boo-boos a lot." Ash laughed again.

"I love little kids," he thought. "What's your name?"

"It's Winter."

"I'm Ash. You're not here alone right?"

"Nope, my mommy's over there!" Winter pointed to a woman on a bench. "Want to meet her?"

"Sure." Winter dragged him over to where her mom was sitting.

"This is Ash, Mommy. He's really nice but he cries a lot." Ash blushed.

"Hi," he said sheepishly.

"Hi," she replied politely. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"I'm taking the day off today."

"Oh, all right. I'm glad Winter has taken a liking to you. She doesn't have many friends. How old are you?

"Yeah, she's really cute! I'm twelve by the way. I'm in 7th grade." Winter's mom smiled.

"This may seem a little out of the blue, but Winter needs a babysitter. Would you like to? I think you should play with Winter more, considering we don't know you well yet."

"I'd love to, to both!" Ash said enthusiastically.


End file.
